Middle Pane

absurdism, philosophy, science, music




Why is it that we can remember some things some of the time, but not all things all of the time?  Why is memory selective to the situation and the frame of mind?  Why does doing certain things trigger certain memories?  Why are those memories chosen over others?

Sometimes the memories bring pleasure, and we cherish those over the ones that bring us pain.  Still, we remember the ones that bring us pain.

One memory…  one moment… triggering the next one.

What was the first one?  And how could there ever be a first one?

An empty state

A state of emptiness

Screenshot from 2015-12-04 22:41:18

Continue reading “Memory”


Leaving the Shore

Lately I feel that conversations that I have with others are really conversations I am having with myself.  I think back and the memory is blurry.  Did they say that or did I think it?  Were they talking about this or was I thinking about it?  The paradox is that I often don’t feel comfortable talking to other people.  I feel more comfortable with myself.  It is hard for me to relate to others sometimes.  So, if I am not comfortable with others, am I really comfortable with my self?

This blog allows the outlet of things that I feel, but I don’t feel sharing with people in person.  This white page with black lines that appear when I press buttons on a keyboard.  I know that other people will read this, but it is a detached reading.  I don’t really know anyone that might read this in my personal life.  There may be one or two that have stumbled upon this, but I am not sure.

I don’t feel that I am any closer to a full understanding than I was when I started this blog.  I look out at the great expanse of the ocean.  The other side seems close, but it has felt close for a while.  My folly seems to be that the other side will get closer, the tide will go down, or I will walk along it far enough to a spot where I can jump over the water to the new land.  But it goes on like this forever.  Maybe it was never wider or closer at any point.  Maybe it has always been the same distance and my perception brings the other side closer or pushes it further away.

I need to reset.  I need to build a bridge, a boat, or just jump in and swim.  I need to stop walking parallel to the shore.  It gets me nowhere.  The illusion of progress.  I know what I need to do, but I don’t know how.  Or I do, but I have been denying it and putting it off.  I know I need to let go.  Of everything.  I need to trust in something beyond myself.  I need to expand my circle beyond myself and my family.

My family and I were coming back from vacation and we were dropping off our car at the rental place and catching a cab to the airport.  We were reliant upon the cab driver being at the place when we said or we would be late for our plane.  I was worrying and rushing while driving.  My wife said “It is out of your hands.  There is nothing you can do, but drive and be where you need to be.”  I find this a lot with travelling.  There are so many things that are out of my control, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying about them.  The flight being on time, the car rental place having my reservation, traffic… The list goes on.  I can set things in motion, and I can react to what is in front of me.  But really none of it is in my control.

Right Effort

I think that people see me a certain way.  A view I have of myself that is limited and not worthy.  I think that they think of me this way, when it is really myself that thinks this way.  I am the one thinking those thoughts.  Not them.  My projections coming out and then being reflected back at me.  They are there, but they are really there to give my thoughts perspective.

Everyone I meet gives my thoughts perspective based on what I think they think.

The truth is that I am actually awesome at what I do.  I have a different way of doing things sometimes, but I do it!!  I accomplish results slower or sometimes less that what I really want, but that is related to the effort that I put into it.  If I apply right effort, things align.

Screenshot from 2014-11-08 22:02:03

View each person as a teacher

Each situation as a lesson

A chance to grow

Just because you are learning

Doesn’t mean that you are doing it wrong

It is better to tell the truth

You will always be found out by your self


Continue reading “Lesson in Truth”

Be the Flood

Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.

Dalai Lama

The choices we have made have brought us to this point and the people we are surrounded with are a result of those choices. They too braved out into the world and landed at the same spot that we are at, but the difference between them and us is that they have found their peace in the flood. Some are the rocks and some are the water.  That is fine for them, but we see the change. They may hold opinions contrary to ours, but those opinions are really only our own self doubt reflected back at us. We can choose to change our perspective and become the flood itself.

Become the flood that destroys.  The flood that resets everything without regard to intent.   The flood that makes way for new growth.  Become the water that nourishes the land.  The water that gives life to the planet, in turn giving its life to the solar system and on throughout the universe.  Become the constant change, and don’t let anyone, especially yourself, hold you back.

Continue reading “Be the Flood”

Perceiving the Bull

I keep seeing projections of myself in others

Telling my son to stop talking while watching a movie

Is like telling my thoughts to be quiet

I yell at my wife for playing on her phone instead of being present

I see myself wandering off

My mind not in the moment

The flaws that I see in others are issues that I have with myself



If I can accept others how they are

I can accept myself

If I can overcome judging others

I can stop judging myself

The moment is just the moment

Without want for something else

Without projecting into the future

Or decaying into the past

If I find myself thinking about the future

I try to think positive

Better to not judge either way

When one hears the voice, one can sense its source. As soon as the six senses merge, the gate is entered. Wherever one enters one sees the head of the bull!

All sounds heard as something that is happening

No influence applied

No identification made

Sounds happening without source

Everything is a synchronicity

Timelines are formed as causality is applied

Going from nothing to something

Strings of moments floating around through all possibiilities




But sounds are just sounds

Everything external is not influenced by the observer

Everything internal as well

The observer observes

Sounds happen

Thoughts happen

To hear the voice of thought

To actually hear the voice and not overlay it is to perceive the bull

I Am The Sky These Are Only Clouds

Tired of reading

Tired of writing

Tired of seeking

Answers without questions

Too much

I am no longer seeking a way

I am seeking my people

There is nothing that can describe my journey

I even lack the words

I give up

I give in

I am done

Did Buddha feel frustrated?

He tried so many things

He sat for so long

He deprived himself

And there it was

Was it not there before?

Or did he just not give up?

Only on giving up did he gain everything

And how much of that was illusion?

Translations upon translations

Yet I sit here at the source

It is what it is

Energies colliding



Particles being exchanged

Patterns maintained and then vanishing

I choose to see things differently

I choose to see things how they are

And still I sit

I am here on the floor

Aware of my body

Aware of my tiredness

Aware that I am aware

Keyboard at the tip of my fingers

Recording what I choose to record

Reality suffers from my fingers

This post goes on

You stopped reading a long time ago

Or you skipped down to here

If reality is of my own making, why am I making it like this?

Again, I give up

The song “I surrender all” courses through my head

Or at least pieces of it

There is truth in everything

If it is all of my own making, how can there not be truth in everything

If there is truth, are there also lies?

Can truth exist without lies?

What is in between truth and lies?


Locusts churring through the forest at night

Where is the goddamn bull?

Auspicious connections

Go forward without fear

Cultivate the flower

It is a process

Stop expecting enlightenment at every turn


To be freed from pain is all I ask now

Fuck enlightenment

It is overrated

There is only one moment in this life when I will receive true enlightenment

When that comes

I will no longer be here

Thoughts come and go

Feelings come and go

To deny them is to cling to them

Think them

Feel them

Watch them go

I scream this is it

This is not it

That is not my pain

That is my pain

The dis-identification is the identification

Let it wash through

Everything is impermanent

Nothing lasts

Take your time here and make the best of it

Make it as beautiful as you can

Then ball it up and throw it away

One day the sun will explode

The universe will expand until infinity

Or it will collapse upon itself

Heading towards maximum entropy

There will be nothing left

There will be everything

What a fucking ride

What a fucking dance

Beyond billions of unique expressions

Tightly wound and loosely coupled

Independent connected expressions

The beauty of the dance is different when seen from the 1st row

Versus the billionth row

Up close we see only a few dancers

But from far away we see the dance





Continue reading “I Am The Sky These Are Only Clouds”

Karmic Fuel

Driving home I realize that I need gas.  I have to go to work in the morning and what I have left in the tank will not get me there, it will barely get me home.  It has been a long day and the last thing that I want to do is divert out of my well tread path and into a crowded gas station to breathe noxious fumes.   I would rather go home, put my feet up, relax for a bit.  However, I know that if I do not get gas now, I am shifting that need to in the morning.  Doing this will throw off my morning routine causing me to need to get up earlier or rush to get the fuel I need to make it to work.  On an oversimplified, micro-scale, this is how I think karma works.

An early Asher gas station.
An early Asher gas station. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Continue reading “Karmic Fuel”

More meta-physical blatherings

Here is a bit of found zen.  Do choices matter**?  Intent seems to play a role.  If I do something out of love, does the result of my choice make a difference?  No matter the outcome, I have learned something and I have moved further down my path.

St. Augustine of Hippo (354– 430AD) said “Love, and do what thou wilt.” An old pagan proverb also echoed this in saying, “An ye harm none, do what thou wilt”, which oddly enough, found its way into the dubious hands of English occultist Aleister Crowley who stated “do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law”. This might seem a little too open-ended for many, perhaps even an invitation to hedonism, but the idea is that it makes you contemplate a reality where there are no laws except love and freewill. What would occur? Total freedom, or total chaos? Good or bad? Depends on the quality of consciousness.

– Neil Kramer – One Dream, Many Awakenings

Continue reading “More meta-physical blatherings”

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