042113064454I woke up at 3:30 this morning with a feeling that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.   Overall, I had a feeling that I needed to be at home.  I needed to be with my family.  Home is where you feel love, and I did not feel that the Inner Engineering path would lead home for me or at least it wasn’t the path that I felt that I should take to get there.  Sadhguru said that he could only offer and not shove his enlightenment down our throats.  I decided that as much as I wanted to see and experience the remainder of the class that I am not as open as I could be and that I would ultimately reject anything offered. Maybe at some level I fear that if I follow Sadhguru, I won’t follow myself.

Please note that this is my opinion and I do not want to deter or encourage anyone from Isha, Inner Engineering, or Sadhguru.  I can only relate what is best for me on my journey.  Since I did not see the class to its conclusion, there will still be a question mark and I actually think that is best for those that read this and choose to pursue the teaching.  I would rather write to you now and tell you my experience with the question mark at the end as opposed to something swayed one way or the other.  If you want to read on then please do, but do it with the understanding of what I have just said.

At various points during the second day it felt like we were being prepped for what I would call enlightenment in a bottle.  Maybe that is what I was after, but the method was not what I expected.  We were given these yoga moves (which I performed and detailed in other posts) that were to lead up to some grand transmission of yoga meditation by Sadhguru today.  What I have ended up picturing in my mind is a bunch of weeping people kneeling at Sadhguru’s feet.  These are the ones that received the enlightenment.  The next group may have reached their enlightenment, but they knew how to handle it better. The next group would be those that really want to believe, but were not able to make the jump in their mind.  The final group which I would have belonged to would be the fringe outside that just did not get it.  Again, all speculation and I welcome anyone that has attended the events to speak up.

The discussion on infinite response also was eating at me.  Our response is conditioned on our past and is thus limited, so it can never be unlimited while we are constrained in physicality.  Maybe through his teaching or techniques one could reach the point of unlimited response or possibility.  Maybe in my limited thinking I have not reached unlimited response.  He kept saying that he had reached that point, but he never talked about the path other than through the Shambhavi Mahamudra.  I don’t know why this was such a sticking point for me, but it was.  The last thought he left us with yesterday was that we should drop everything that we know about meditation.  That might have been the thing that set the wheels really spinning for me.

He never talked about living right and walking the path.  He didn’t talk about how to treat others.  He spoke about what foods to eat.  He did talk about the importance of not labeling people and causing division.  (Which was something I put on the registration card).  He did talk about awareness of thought.  He spoke about us being more than our mind and our body.  A lot of what he said was good, but I didn’t find what I was really looking for in his discussions.  Just like with my learning, a lot of the talks he gave seemed culled from various sources.  Nothing at all wrong with this, and I have no beef with the majority of what was being said.  There are a number of things that I have taken away from this experience and I would not change that.

The end conclusion that I came to is that for me enlightenment is not something that can come in a weekend class.  It is something that I really do have to work towards.  This is something that I knew, but it is something that I had not experienced and I was still looking for a shortcut.

Driving home I was all smiles.  I knew that I had done the right thing.  Leaving Atlanta I let out a sigh of relief.  My body relaxed including my anal lock.  Well it didn’t release all the way.  🙂  I had thoughts of my family and how good it would be to see them.  The song Home  by Phillip Phillips was echoing through my head and the radio wasn’t on.  I was smiling and in tears.  It was what I needed.

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

In South Carolina I drove by some lakes with steam rising off of them.  It looked beautiful.  I wanted to go down to the lake.  It felt like a moment that I needed to observe.  Then I saw a rest area that had a shore on the lake, and I pulled in.  I think I am learning to trust my instincts more.  I parked and went down to the water to watch the steam rise.  It went up about 10 feet, swirling from left to right before it became invisible to my eyes.

042113064618I had the thought that the water is going home, but really it is always in a cycle.  It is always home.  I meditated for a bit, the way I know how.  The mist seemed to form animals leaping across the water.  Deer jumping through the air.  I could see them form and then jump up and down until my perspective changed or the steam dissipated enough to change them into something else.  I looked down at the water and saw a group of minnows grabbing insects off the top of the water making ripples across the surface.  Everything is perfect.

Before leaving I had the urge to go to the water and touch it.  It was warm, which surprised me, but shouldn’t have based on the steam.  I rubbed my hands in the water and rubbed some on my face.  After getting back on the road another song hit me, through Spotify this time, Lost in My Mind by The Head and the Heart.

You’re already home where you feel loved

Yes.  Exactly.  And when everywhere you go you feel loved, then you are home everywhere.  This is where I am supposed to be.  The journey is the destination.

My Other Posts on Inner Engineering